In the main, despite recent publicity, banks do an excellent job, offer great value for money and provide excellent customer service. They are set very high standards by the fore most bank whose global reputation is the hallmark of excellence – the Bank of England.
But dealing with a problem with bank staff can be problematic.
First of all you have to find some kind of a hold over him to blackmail him with. This shouldn’t be too difficult. All you have to do is wait until he sends you someone else’s bank statement by mistake.
Ring him up and tell him you’ll send it on to the customer yourself, with a note explaining how you came to have it.
When, trying to conceal the panic in his voice, he asks you to let him have it back, say you quite understand and would hate to embarrass him by letting the other customer know about his slip-up.
He now owes you a favour – good for a couple of hundred quid overdraft any time – and you still hold an ace card of being able to threaten to rat ‘on him to the other customer if it ever came to a showdown.
You can also cash in on other mistakes the bank makes – they may be made by a clerk or a computer, but ultimately they reflect on the manager. Five years ago my bank credited my account with £60,000 belonging to another customer. To this day my bank manager’s face goes the colour of his shirt every time I mention it.
The way has now been cleared to presenting your ‘convincing argument’ to borrow money. However dire the threat you hold over them, bank managers are on the whole disinclined to advance large sums of cash for a dead cert in the 2.30 at Doncaster. On the other hand, rotting gutters, roof repairs, washroom extensions and essential office equipment are a winner every time.
What you mustn’t do is let him know you’re going to spend it on something he wants but hasn’t got, such as a boat. Ask for a colour telly before he’s got one and you’ll be bounced out of the, bank faster than your cheques.
A lot of customers make the mistake of believing that the amount they are allowed to borrow is fixed according to their ‘salary.
This is not the case at all. It is the bank manager’s salary that decides how much you will get. Bank managers rarely lend a sum exceeding half their own salary and then, sadists that they are, fix the repayments at a sum that brings your income to less than one half of theirs.
It’s also worth remembering that when a bank manager says No, he means it. A friend of mine took his bank manager out to lunch some time ago to discuss a large loan. The manager said No. At the end of the meal my friend paid by cheque.
The cheque bounced.
WHAT WE SAY: – Banks are only in it for the money